A Minor Correction...

You Are Already Awake

Alan Chapman Podcast

In a beautiful web of synchronicity, while searching for podcasts regarding 'The Great Work' or 'Knowledge and Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel', i came upon an episode of the Buddhist Geeks podcast, featuring author Alan Chapman, detailing how practicing various traditions of Western Magick led him to Enlightenment, or an experience of Non-Self. Turns out he is responsible for openenlightenment.org, as well as thebaptistshead.co.uk, and this podcast had been recorded in the town in which i am living, currently, Boulder, Co. My friend sent me the link for openenlightenment about a month ago, knowing my predilection for magickal thinking, and resistance towards Eastern philosophy.

I find this intriguing, in that almost every occult work worth its salt (or mercury) will start off with suggesting, insisting really, that the student begin a meditation practice, before getting into any of the work involved in the book. The idea is, if operating from a small self, a personal ego, yr magick is going to be pretty ineffectual.

Then i came upon a working, called 'The Sacred Magick of Abramelin the Mage,' whose goal and final result was the Knowledge and Conversation of the Guardian Angel, which was getting to know, and have a relationship with, yr idealized self, and yr purpose on this sphere in this lifetime. Turns out to be pretty similar, or a similar result, to Buddhist non-mind practices, and things cracked open for me, realizing that i didn't have to be someone else BEFORE starting the dismantling process.

Thankfully, i've always kept at least a spark of willingness to shatter, to tear down the structures of my life and mind, in that i had a calling to do so and my life run on personal will had resulted dissatisfactory results. Got my nose back into dusty old occult tomes, my ass back on the meditation cushion, and my life has begun to change in new and unexpected ways.

Lastly, one of the topics discussed here, was Chapman's experience with Chaos Magick, and how with chucking out belief structures, that they are interchangeable, can be pretty nihilistic. My mind got rather goopy and elastic, i did a great deal of dismantling, but had not really replaced it with a working faith, or a discipline or practice. My thinking got progressively smaller and more mundane, as the claws of adulthood tore into my consciousness, and i've had to reinvigorate my passion and curiosity and imagination, to get back on this path.

Its very cool, to hear someone's experience who is further along the path. Hell, its cool to know where the path is, at all. I'm looking forward to delving further into his website's, and exploring this path, in general.

link

The Proper Use of the Mind

A Common Occurrence:

Its the middle of the night. I'm standing on the front steps of my house, in a cul-de-sac with a suburban, residential feeling. Imagine, its lightly snowing, crystal flakes swirling in the light of a street-lamp. It's cold. I'm wearing sandals, smoking a cigarette. I'm setting the scene, so you can properly understand where i'm coming from, so you might possibly relate, to this utter ridiculousness that manifests in my life.

I'm taking a break, from fixating on the guitar. I appear to be heavily invested in the identity of 'musician'. Its got quite a lot of baggage. IF ONLY i could write one good song, IF ONLY i finger that arpeggio correctly, IF ONLY inspired words would flow, then i will be reach, i will have a hot girlfriend, and my teeth will magickally repair themselves, and most importantly, i will be happy and contented forevermore.

I mentally spin, toss and turn, coming up with new and interesting ideas: things i want to try, research to undertake. By the end of that flaming stub, i have worked my way forward to Carnegie Hall and limousines (although more like funky paint-spattered warehouses and Greyhound busses. I am somewhat pragmatic,) and i am contented, not to mention fatigued from having played out 3 years in 8 minutes, and i proceed upstairs, to space out on the internet for another 2 1/2 hours. This is 100% true, and occurs every single day of my life, often done at the expense of food, sleep, water, and bathing. And still, AND STILL, i question why i would want to quiet my mind?

In my observations, THINKING ABOUT working hard does not hard work make, nor have i ever sat down and wrote an inspired song, as a result of THINKING about wanting to write a good song.

It has come to my attention, that this is not the correct use of the mind. The mind can be incredibly adept at finding patterns in data, in getting clear on matters of personal taste. It can be incredibly useful at making To Do lists, although it seems to be lacking in actually getting those lists done.

If you want to access yr spirit, to draw down the Cosmic Consciousness, one must work at integrating the other bodies; the physical, emotional, and intuitive spheres. Seeing as how they do not teach these skills in Universities, nor is there a universal path common to all, the answer will be slightly different for everybody.

These are some of the problems i'm mulling over. My traditional habits and responses are not working. I am lying to and deluding myself, and i am sick of it. I am attempting to find another way.

One method is to analyze thoughts, and see which ones seem to produce an emotional or a physical reaction; a headache, tears in the eyes. An idea that will make me leap from my bed, in the middle of the night.

Another avenue is simply setting aside time and space to let things happen, to allow the spirit to descend into physicality, and see what happens. EVERY SINGLE TIME i sit down to write or play, i am full of apprehension, not knowing what will happen. As i sit down, to type this out at night, with the knowledge that eyes other than my own will see this, i am full of doubt and second thoughts. AND YET, there is no chance for inspiration, nor of improving my life or anyone else's, without actually TRYING. Surpassing the safety net, and doing something REAL.

One more thought is to set aside time to access these other spheres of being, time for doing something other than THINKING. I'm a fan of long walks, personally. The repetitious motion lulls and soothes me, and ideas that come FROM SOMEWHERE BEYOND MYSELF, spring fully formed in my cerebellum. Lemme tell you this: most of my best ideas do not come from me. Its like i pluck them from thin air, and then my 'Self' wants to take credit for being so adept at conjuring, and the mind scrambles for ways to repeat the experiment. What i would like, is to be a finger, pointing at the moon; to be full of subtle, drooling appreciation that this air from which to conjure exists, at all.

One answer, to another of the umbrella questions, which i will consider at length, further along (and hopefully for the rest of my life) is Why Should I Care? Some, more high-minded than myself, scoff at this question, and my apparent banality. But if i am being asked to sacrifice my self-hood, my entire experience and history, every fond dream and wish, there better be a darn good incentive to do so! But if it is true, that there is a sphere that all the great ideas and stories spring from, i will kneel before that altar. I will spread my guts on its mysteries.

Please allow me to introduce myself

Just a brief introduction, to let you know what i'm on about. You may call me j, for ease of simplicity (it doesn't get much simpler than one letter). I started this spot here, a while back, intending it as a depository of respectable journalism. So far respectability has evaded me, so i thought i may use it for something. A friend of mine is fond of throwing down the mental/spiritual gauntlet, herself a proponent of non-dualistic philosophy, a bee-line to the source, so to speak, and we have had an on-going conversation for a decade and a half, regarding spiritual states, mental phenomena, ego traps, emotional pitfalls, and lots of stupid jokes.

I started this journey when i was a teenager, steeped in the occult and a robust lysergic education, which landed me face-to-face with my very own soul, as well as up to my ears in various counter-cultural revolutions, as my own white-bred suburban heritage crumbled into flaming embers around me, and i was plunged into this chaotic, post-modern hodge-podge. First things first, that i must admit, is i am absolutely addicted to thinking. A brainiac. Entirely too much for my own could. Positively hydro-cephalic. Now, in my random blundering into the esoteric abyss, i have been bombarded by Eastern thought, whacked sufficiently by zen teachers and koans, that my reflexive puritanical guilt assumed, 'this is wrong,' 'this is bad,' and i should probably just give up. Hopeless. Still have thoughts whizzing through my neurons, even this very second. And until several days ago, this was just the way things were. Until i backed the fuck up, looked at the bigger picture, and realized that my thoughts could not be wrong or bad, or unnatural, or unspiritual, cuz nothing is, and that perhaps i may utilize some of my innate tendencies and gifts, on this trajectory onwards and upwards. Unstuck.

Second, this is important, and i'm only gonna say this once: i am a magician. This is not something i speak out loud very often, but i have had a lifelong fascination with the mystery schools and traditions, and have been swimming in the very subjective pool of the Qaballah, Alchemy, Thelema, Kaos, enochiana, etc. since i could locate dusty, crammed bookstores. I have been painted into an existential corner for a number of years, frozen by the idea that the universe is exactly as it should be, and how dare i presume to inflict my will upon it? A sort of buddhist nihilism that i abhor. And the answer to this question is that i do not have a good answer, and is the first query, to lead down the rabbit hole.

The question to follow is: why do you write? And the answer to that is manifold. First, and foremost, it occured to me that there may be some out there who may be rather confused, like myself, who may benefit from these musings, or ideally, engage in a dialogue. In all my research, all the teachings, i've not found one who's put together the odd hodge-podge of thoughts and philosophies that i have, and i know that if i were to find such a corner of the internet, i would be intrigued. I am also a musician and a cultural whore, and will be attempting to pull together insights from a variety of the human experience, and i thought that may be of interest to some as well. It is certainly of interest to me! The main reason i am writing, i suppose, is that i am utterly inflamed to do so. It somewhat breaks my heart to admit that during my young adult-hood, my imagination has gotten rather small and full of fear, and dreams of flying, fighting dragons, finding my soul's true love, and rocking the fuck out! have become forbidden, romantic. I thought that anything that existed in my cerebellum was fictitious, inaccessible. My current thought is that these thoughts are totally valid, just not the whole picture. In my imagination, i catch a glimpse of the tip of a wing, a whiff of incense, a choral echo, and i am over-whelmed with emotion. It feels like home.

And lastly (probably not lastly), i feel this is a proper time to begin this venture, in that i feel i am at the beginning of a quest, and a log of that journey may be of value to someone, as well as the fact that sitting down to write helps me clarify and structure my thoughts, feelings, and observations. My goal is to chew over some of these quintessential questions, dissect some of these mental snares, and provide thoughts and feedback on some of the resources at our disposal. One of the reasons i am excited is that when i was beginning this quest, this information was difficult to come by, and had to be inferred from a variety of sources. Nowadays, it is difficult to know where to look, there is such a proliferation at our disposal. In the last year, i have been fortunate to get my hands on a large bulk of humanity's wisdom, through the ages. I hope, by embarking on this endeavour, to motivate myself to go through some of this, and share what i find. Expect wild prose and poetry, book reviews, dialogue, impossible questions, blurbs, quotes, youtube links... my record of the journey down the rabbit hole.

and most importantly, i want to hear what you have to say. This can be a very solitary pursuit, this quest for purpose, and while some lunatic on the other end of a computer monitor may be some cold comfort, perhaps we can brainstorm together. I want to find other like-minded individuals, from all traditions, schools of thought, and walks of life. If you should happen to find yr way here, don't be shy! Speak yr mind. Even if its just to tell me i'm full of shit and to shut the fuck up. Oh, and by the way, don't expect pat answers, or a new theology here. This is, more or less, a journal (and journey) of questioning and observation. If i start coming off like a guru, and start selling my Truth at 10 bucks a pop, i have most likely been taken over by the Great Old Ones. It should be exciting, and frustrating, and scary, and depressing, and uplifting. Should be one hell of a ride!

A Call. To Wake the Fuck Up!

or . . .

Why would i want to be balanced, anyway?

I think most would agree that the world is changing around us. By the nano-second, actually. There is an overwhelming sea of information and resources at our disposal. Where's the quality control? What's our divining rod? How on earth are we supposed to know what we're supposed to know?

Our western minds have been adept at nullifying the feminine principle of the psyche; the mysterious, poetic, the emotional/intuitive. We super-imposed rigid grid patterns over the curvaceous ley lines of the Earth, once heralded and utilized by the great Stone Circles of Europe. We Bound the Dragon. Our linear, analytical minds offered us unparalleled access to wealth, goods, and luxuries previously unimagined. It is understandable why we would be loathe to give that up.

At the particular rate of acceleration and upheaval, the logical binary system is shutting down. We have little choice but to cultivate our moral compasses, and do what feels right, to ourselves. Large, umbrella systems like religions, political ideologies, and corporate affiliation are becoming more and more obsolete. The net is cast too wide, too much minutae of our day to day existence slips through. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, the time has come for us to think for ourselves! And how are we supposed to do that?

It is imperative to slip outside the data-stream, the Neural Net, to allow ourselves the chance to be still and quiet, to better listen to our own inner guides and guardians. To know our own hearts and minds, and do our best to act according to our own truest nature. In this way, personal growth and spiritual evolution may spread and grow, and individual revolutions become political. As more and more people light up like a switch-board, consciousness spreads and grows, and the world changes. For instance, you don't feel right about some family of farmers in Nicaragua living off mud pie and stone soup, so you can get a cheap cup of coffee, and decide to purchase Fair Trade coffee instead, and the wheels of greedy, exploitative capitalism grind to a rusty halt.

For a long time, i considered myself a militant, and couldn't connect how sitting on a pillow in a quiet room or going for long walks, could impact the greater good. I mean, i was supposed to be screaming punk rock and throwing stones, right? But if i were to remain a slave to habits and impulses and conditioning and desires, how could i even see the discrepancies, the injustices, the cognitive dissonance? This includes the primal 'Us vs. Them' mentality. I would love to be able to go out and purchase peace of mind for $9.95, in plain brown-paper packaging. It would be far easier than striving to understand the money-grubbers, the pedophiles and rapists and serial murderers, and finding the places where they live in my own heart. Ouch.

Essentially, we are all afraid. We feel lost and confused. No north star to sail our tall ships by. Luckily, there is a part of ourselves that knows better, and with persistent effort, it becomes clearer and easier to listen.